It was 6:30 this morning when I woke up to the sound of two boys racing their cars down the hallway.  Yes, there was a small part of me that was a little annoyed. I had already decided the night before that I would skip my morning run in order to get my much needed rest. It had been a late night and I don’t function well on less than 7 hours of solid sleep. I was exhausted. And well, exhaustion + a hectic life = recipe for disaster.

I try to avoid that at all costs.

But as I lied there in bed, listening to the big sounds coming from small feet combined with the beautiful sound of laughter – the annoyance quickly wore off. Soon the hour didn’t matter and the sounds that would have normally been cringe worthy were now joyful noises to my ears. Joyful because I realized that it seemed like only yesterday that I had held them as tiny babies in my arms. Joyful because a larger part of me realized one will soon turn 5 and the other will soon turn 2. Joyful as I realized that someday those noises will be deeply missed. And while my boys might consider me to be a super hero mom – I’m not the type of hero who can turn back time.

I miss a lot of things from the baby stages and one day I’ll miss this stage too.

So I’m trying…really trying…to find delight in the little things, like…

• All the sounds little boys make. It’s amazing how they can mimic explosions and engine revving.
• Tripping over shoes that were left in the hallway by little feet that were anxious to play, and
• Cleaning up splatters of juice leftover from juice wars (because let’s face it, sometimes it IS tempting to squeeze the box and watch the juice squirt out…especially to little boys!)

I haven’t perfected it yet, but I AM trying to embrace the little things that would normally drive a person, suffering from a small case of OCD, mad.
I know finding delight in these things now won’t keep me from missing them one day. But I can find peace knowing that when I do look back, I’ll do so with joy instead of regret.

I am stubborn strong-willed.  It’s not an entirely bad thing; in fact it can be an advantageous characteristic to have.  But it is a characteristic that has to be constantly checked, and by that I mean if not carefully guarded it can cause more harm than good.

Sometimes, I ignore forget this.

My husband is stubborn strong-willed too.  He has an amazing ability to succeed at pretty much anything he’s ever put his mind to.  Again, that is usually a very good thing but every once in a while our human wills focus on things of the world rather than matters of the heart – and of God.

Sometimes, he ignores forgets this.

In a union* made up of two stubborn strong-willed people, you can probably guess that there tends to be a fair share of battles.  Will vs. Will, so to speak.  In these battles no one ever wins, everyone loses… always.

Sometimes, we both ignore forget this.

*Did you know that a union is defined as “the act of joining together people or things to form a whole”?  In Mark 10:8-9, Jesus says, “and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

In February, Eric and I will be married for a total of 8 years. That means we’ve been in a faithful relationship for over 10 years now.  That is mind-boggling for me because in a way it makes me feel old and in another it surpasses the number of years my own parents were married.   But mostly, it’s just pretty amazing, right?

And while it would be easy to say that Eric and I have done everything right – we always talk kindly to one another, we always respect one another and we never ever put our own needs before the other’s – I can’t because that would be a lie.

According to the worlds standards, we had more than enough reasons to call it quits.  Since year one, there have been several occasions when we’ve contemplated giving up and there have been countless many opportunities to practice forgiveness.

So the other night, while thinking about that fact, I wondered how our marriage has lasted so long and I wondered if we’d actually make it.

After a while I came to the conclusion that there was no way I’d know unless I made a change. (*gasp* She did not just use the word “I” and “change” in the same sentence did she?!? Yes, I did!  Now let me explain how I came to this monumental, life-changing realization.)

Because we are mere humans, there are certain things we just can’t control.  The most important thing, when considering the scenario, is realizing we have no control over our spouses.   I can’t control my husband or his decisions any more than he can control mine.

I know I can only be accountable for my own actions.  All I have are the facts.  So as I laid there in bed, I started making a mental list of the facts:

• We love each other very deeply.  I have never ever loved someone the way I love my husband.  I adore almost everything about him and even though he is not perfect, I’ve learned to love accept the imperfections.  (While I can’t speak for him, I’d guess that statement is pretty much true for him too.)
• Deep down we only want what’s best for our family (and sometimes Satan tries to lie to us about what is best for our family.)
• We will always make mistakes.   We will both always need forgiveness because the opportunities and temptations will always be there.
• We are Christians. Which means a lot of things, but for purposes of staying on track, this means we must give forgiveness even though it is undeserved, unwarranted and most likely comes with the risk of being hurt again and again.  This also means that we serve a God who loves us and who comes to our defense.

Defense…Battle…?  Revelation!

If I compared my marriage to that of my parent’s failed marriage, immediately I know the main and most important difference – God.  Unlike my parents, Eric and I have built a foundation upon Him.

That means when I get fed up and I want to walk out the door… I fall to my knees first.

That also means that God comes to our defense.  And who is He defending us against?  My revelation is that the true battle is not against my husband (his choices, his actions, etc. or vice versa) but against Satan.

I had to decide that our marriage:

• Is worth fighting for.
• Is going to be attacked by Satan because he seeks to destroy all that is good and all that brings glory to God.
• Is a covenant between us and God.
• Is not something that can be dissolved, broken or separated.

With that change in thinking, I can now put all my faith in God’s promises, knowing that no matter what happens Eric and I are not battling Satan alone.

With that change in thinking, I can also give true forgiveness.   I can forgive myself for not always being the perfect wife and I can forgive Eric for not always being the perfect husband.  I can choose to focus on the facts and not entertain the uncertainties.  And let me say, it’s a rare yet powerful thing when you can forgive someone and that forgiveness doesn’t come with a list of stipulations.  It’s throwing out that “I forgive you but you owe me” mentality.

It’s forgiveness that comes with freedom.  It’s free to those who receive it and those who give it are set free.

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”  - Colossians 3:13

When my relationship with Christ is suffering, I often find that it negatively affects the other relationships I have.  Sometimes it’s just easier to turn away from God in anger, rather than turning to Him with my anger.

It’s like I’m screaming, “You know what God, I’m mad at you and you aren’t worth it.”

It might seem extreme, but it’s true.  When I’m already feeling broken, I don’t want to do “hard”.  It’s much easier to hold onto my anger and pride.

But it’s a great thing that God loves me enough to say, “You know what, you ARE worth it!”

God can handle my anger and just like any one who desires a lasting relationship, He wants to work through the ups and downs together.

While feelings are feelings, I still have the ability to choose how I’ll react.  I can either allow the anger and bitterness to impact my life destructively (and honestly, the life of others around me too) or I can choose to be open and honest with my brokenness and rely on God to pick up the pieces.  Sometimes He does it through a huge random act of kindness and sometimes it’s through several acts of grace but whatever the means, when I allow myself to be open, triumph over adversity soon follows.

I know the path is there to follow, but it’s my choice to take the journey.  I have to be willing to face my feelings and make a decision on how I will react to the situations I’m faced with.  It is the only way to grow and one of the most effective ways to build character.  A life that has no adversity might paint a pretty picture but it doesn’t tell much of a story.

I serve a God who is above all and if I truly believe that, then I also have to believe that there is nothing in my life that He can’t overcome.  I have to surrender my human-side and cling to the cross.  That is where I will find healing and grace.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8

For the past week, as I’ve waited for Caden’s bus to drop him off, I’ve taken some alone time to read through the gospel of Luke. I’ve read this book several times but for some reason, I’ve hung on every single word – I’ve been engrossed in every miracle, every parable, and every word from our Saviors mouth. As I read through the pages that serve as a record of Christ’s ministry, a sense of shame came over me like never before.

For so long I’ve considered myself to be a faithful and obedient child of the Lord. I can’t count all the times I chose right over wrong. I can’t count how many times I’ve sacrificed willingly for God’s purpose. But the words in Luke really pierced my heart as I thought about true obedience. Jesus walked the earth sharing His love. It just poured out from His body not even His power could be contained (think about the bleeding woman who simply touched His cloak and was immediately healed from 12 years of bleeding. (Luke 8:40-48)) While He was sharing and teaching the Word, He was also preparing to be faithful and obedient to it. There He was being completely unselfish during a time that most of us would spend just thinking and doing for ourselves. He knew what was to come and still He poured out his love and wonders. How awesome!

I pray for that kind of obedience. When I’m exhausted from a long weeks work, I want to still share in the Word with others. I want to be the servant He’s molded me to be. He has plenty of awesome things in store for me, I just have to surrender to Him and be obedient in my walk. I look at Caden and think about how loving he is. The love just pours out of him. It cannot be contained. (Sound familiar?) He did not get this from Eric or me. While we show love – it certainly doesn’t always come in the pure way Caden’s does. I guess I had to become a mother to really get it, to really experience that. I now understand what Jesus was talking about when He said to become like little children. I am in awe, honestly! (Luke 9:47-48 & Matthew 18:3)

It’s no longer enough to do just enough, I want to do more. I want to be more. I want love to pour unselfishly from my heart – faithfully with obedience.

Sometimes life gets so busy that I forget to just stop and take in the Word. It’s so important that we spend time in the Word and actually meditate upon it. So to help, I’m going to start Memory Monday’s. Each week I’ll post a new Bible verse to memorize. This weeks verse is:

Psalms 1:1-2
Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. -