It was 6:30 this morning when I woke up to the sound of two boys racing their cars down the hallway.  Yes, there was a small part of me that was a little annoyed. I had already decided the night before that I would skip my morning run in order to get my much needed rest. It had been a late night and I don’t function well on less than 7 hours of solid sleep. I was exhausted. And well, exhaustion + a hectic life = recipe for disaster.

I try to avoid that at all costs.

But as I lied there in bed, listening to the big sounds coming from small feet combined with the beautiful sound of laughter – the annoyance quickly wore off. Soon the hour didn’t matter and the sounds that would have normally been cringe worthy were now joyful noises to my ears. Joyful because I realized that it seemed like only yesterday that I had held them as tiny babies in my arms. Joyful because a larger part of me realized one will soon turn 5 and the other will soon turn 2. Joyful as I realized that someday those noises will be deeply missed. And while my boys might consider me to be a super hero mom – I’m not the type of hero who can turn back time.

I miss a lot of things from the baby stages and one day I’ll miss this stage too.

So I’m trying…really trying…to find delight in the little things, like…

• All the sounds little boys make. It’s amazing how they can mimic explosions and engine revving.
• Tripping over shoes that were left in the hallway by little feet that were anxious to play, and
• Cleaning up splatters of juice leftover from juice wars (because let’s face it, sometimes it IS tempting to squeeze the box and watch the juice squirt out…especially to little boys!)

I haven’t perfected it yet, but I AM trying to embrace the little things that would normally drive a person, suffering from a small case of OCD, mad.
I know finding delight in these things now won’t keep me from missing them one day. But I can find peace knowing that when I do look back, I’ll do so with joy instead of regret.

Since becoming a mother, I’ve learned that some things aren’t as natural for some people as they are for others.

For the better part of my childhood, my family was classified as low-class.  Neither one of my parents made much money so what little money we had went towards necessities.  It wasn’t an easy life, but it did teach me a few things.  I understand what it’s like to go without and I also know what it’s like to rely on the giving of others. So humility and thankfulness come quite naturally for me.

Today, God has provided us with the means to give our children a different upbringing.  But we’ve learned early on that an overabundance of things doesn’t exactly mold a character of thankfulness or humility.

Our children are still young but that doesn’t mean we get to take the easy way out.  Their characters are being molded even now and we have to be the example.  So we teach our children to be intentionally thankful.  As they get older we’ll be able to implement other methods but for now we help our children understand that God supplies all our needs.  We are teaching them now that God gets all the glory and He takes care of us.

While Eric and I could easily make six figures each, we’ve chosen to bring in modest incomes instead.  While we could dress in designer clothes and purchase top-notch items, we choose practical solutions instead.

We are teaching through action, sending the message that just because we can doesn’t mean that we should. We are teaching our children to enjoy the simple and lovely things in life.  Together we are harvesting thankfulness and allowing the Lord to be the true comfort in our hearts.

“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.”  Psalm 27:13

I am stubborn strong-willed.  It’s not an entirely bad thing; in fact it can be an advantageous characteristic to have.  But it is a characteristic that has to be constantly checked, and by that I mean if not carefully guarded it can cause more harm than good.

Sometimes, I ignore forget this.

My husband is stubborn strong-willed too.  He has an amazing ability to succeed at pretty much anything he’s ever put his mind to.  Again, that is usually a very good thing but every once in a while our human wills focus on things of the world rather than matters of the heart – and of God.

Sometimes, he ignores forgets this.

In a union* made up of two stubborn strong-willed people, you can probably guess that there tends to be a fair share of battles.  Will vs. Will, so to speak.  In these battles no one ever wins, everyone loses… always.

Sometimes, we both ignore forget this.

*Did you know that a union is defined as “the act of joining together people or things to form a whole”?  In Mark 10:8-9, Jesus says, “and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

In February, Eric and I will be married for a total of 8 years. That means we’ve been in a faithful relationship for over 10 years now.  That is mind-boggling for me because in a way it makes me feel old and in another it surpasses the number of years my own parents were married.   But mostly, it’s just pretty amazing, right?

And while it would be easy to say that Eric and I have done everything right – we always talk kindly to one another, we always respect one another and we never ever put our own needs before the other’s – I can’t because that would be a lie.

According to the worlds standards, we had more than enough reasons to call it quits.  Since year one, there have been several occasions when we’ve contemplated giving up and there have been countless many opportunities to practice forgiveness.

So the other night, while thinking about that fact, I wondered how our marriage has lasted so long and I wondered if we’d actually make it.

After a while I came to the conclusion that there was no way I’d know unless I made a change. (*gasp* She did not just use the word “I” and “change” in the same sentence did she?!? Yes, I did!  Now let me explain how I came to this monumental, life-changing realization.)

Because we are mere humans, there are certain things we just can’t control.  The most important thing, when considering the scenario, is realizing we have no control over our spouses.   I can’t control my husband or his decisions any more than he can control mine.

I know I can only be accountable for my own actions.  All I have are the facts.  So as I laid there in bed, I started making a mental list of the facts:

• We love each other very deeply.  I have never ever loved someone the way I love my husband.  I adore almost everything about him and even though he is not perfect, I’ve learned to love accept the imperfections.  (While I can’t speak for him, I’d guess that statement is pretty much true for him too.)
• Deep down we only want what’s best for our family (and sometimes Satan tries to lie to us about what is best for our family.)
• We will always make mistakes.   We will both always need forgiveness because the opportunities and temptations will always be there.
• We are Christians. Which means a lot of things, but for purposes of staying on track, this means we must give forgiveness even though it is undeserved, unwarranted and most likely comes with the risk of being hurt again and again.  This also means that we serve a God who loves us and who comes to our defense.

Defense…Battle…?  Revelation!

If I compared my marriage to that of my parent’s failed marriage, immediately I know the main and most important difference – God.  Unlike my parents, Eric and I have built a foundation upon Him.

That means when I get fed up and I want to walk out the door… I fall to my knees first.

That also means that God comes to our defense.  And who is He defending us against?  My revelation is that the true battle is not against my husband (his choices, his actions, etc. or vice versa) but against Satan.

I had to decide that our marriage:

• Is worth fighting for.
• Is going to be attacked by Satan because he seeks to destroy all that is good and all that brings glory to God.
• Is a covenant between us and God.
• Is not something that can be dissolved, broken or separated.

With that change in thinking, I can now put all my faith in God’s promises, knowing that no matter what happens Eric and I are not battling Satan alone.

With that change in thinking, I can also give true forgiveness.   I can forgive myself for not always being the perfect wife and I can forgive Eric for not always being the perfect husband.  I can choose to focus on the facts and not entertain the uncertainties.  And let me say, it’s a rare yet powerful thing when you can forgive someone and that forgiveness doesn’t come with a list of stipulations.  It’s throwing out that “I forgive you but you owe me” mentality.

It’s forgiveness that comes with freedom.  It’s free to those who receive it and those who give it are set free.

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”  - Colossians 3:13

When my relationship with Christ is suffering, I often find that it negatively affects the other relationships I have.  Sometimes it’s just easier to turn away from God in anger, rather than turning to Him with my anger.

It’s like I’m screaming, “You know what God, I’m mad at you and you aren’t worth it.”

It might seem extreme, but it’s true.  When I’m already feeling broken, I don’t want to do “hard”.  It’s much easier to hold onto my anger and pride.

But it’s a great thing that God loves me enough to say, “You know what, you ARE worth it!”

God can handle my anger and just like any one who desires a lasting relationship, He wants to work through the ups and downs together.

While feelings are feelings, I still have the ability to choose how I’ll react.  I can either allow the anger and bitterness to impact my life destructively (and honestly, the life of others around me too) or I can choose to be open and honest with my brokenness and rely on God to pick up the pieces.  Sometimes He does it through a huge random act of kindness and sometimes it’s through several acts of grace but whatever the means, when I allow myself to be open, triumph over adversity soon follows.

I know the path is there to follow, but it’s my choice to take the journey.  I have to be willing to face my feelings and make a decision on how I will react to the situations I’m faced with.  It is the only way to grow and one of the most effective ways to build character.  A life that has no adversity might paint a pretty picture but it doesn’t tell much of a story.

I serve a God who is above all and if I truly believe that, then I also have to believe that there is nothing in my life that He can’t overcome.  I have to surrender my human-side and cling to the cross.  That is where I will find healing and grace.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8

God’s been working in me.   I’ve always been sensitive to the needs of others but lately my heart feels like it is literally breaking when I think about:

• Deaf mothers who can not hear the sweet sound of their children’s voices because they can not afford or simply do not have the resources needed to receive hearing aids.
• Families who are sending their children to sleep hungry because their daily ration of food is gone- not to mention those who are in mourning over the loved ones they have lost to starvation.
• Families who do not have clean water to drink.
• Young women who have been sold into sex slavery in order to repay debts.  Debts that are usually a result of families just trying to get simple necessities such as food, a place to call home, water, etc.
• Young men and women who labor day and night to earn a wage that equates to less than what our family refers to as “junk change”.

“Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in prayer. Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless—cheerfully. Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God’s words; if help, let it be God’s hearty help. That way, God’s bright presence will be evident in everything through Jesus, and he’ll get all the credit as the One mighty in everything—encores to the end of time. Oh, yes! ” –  1 Peter 4:10-11 (The Message)

If I am being honest, I do not know how the Lord will use our family to further His Kingdom.  But there are things that I do know.  I know that He is breaking our hearts for what breaks His.  I know that He has blessed us and with His help anything can be accomplished.  I know that when the time comes, our answer to His call will be “yes!”

As I sit down to write this, I’m thinking about time.  I’m thinking about how much I have to get done in the few hours left in the day.  I’m thinking about how little time we have and how fast time goes by – which leads me to thinking about my precious family.  My boys, who are equally my heart, my everything!  I could write about all the new and exciting things we’ve been going through, like all the cool things Evan does now and Caden’s first lost tooth, but all that will have to wait until next time.  Right now I am on a mission to lift up my first born, Caden (and yes, we call him our first born because he is.  You can read all about that here.)

Caden started VPK last week and he’s done amazingly well.  When I walked him to his classroom on that first day, I was more nervous than he was.  I leaned against the door frame, while he rushed over to his seat.  I stood there for a moment just waiting (and maybe hoping) for him to turn around and run back to me, to cling to my legs and ask me not to go.  In a way, I wanted him to need me like he once did. As I watched him engage in child conversation with his new friends, I could see all the wonderful things he’d grow up to be.  It was a beautiful, bittersweet moment.

Soon I accepted that he would be okay and with a last wave goodbye, I turned and started down the hallway.  A few seconds later I heard a sweet voice yell “Mama…”, followed by small but loud footsteps coming toward me. I turned around only to be met by a little boy clinging to my legs, hugging them as tight as he could.  He looked up at me and said, “I want YOU to pick me up after school is over.”   That moment was a gift from God – a sweet reminder that he’ll always need me, even if his needs change.

Our sweet Caden is growing up and even though he is still only four, we realize more than ever that these little boys we are raising will one day be men with families of their own (God willing).   Our actions today will help mold them into the men they’ll become.  Even the most insignificant things are building blocks to their morale structure.  So while time continues to fly by, my goal will be to stop and enjoy the small moments in life!

I absolutely love the holidays. I love spending time with my family, putting up decorations and decorating the Christmas tree. I even enjoy picking out thoughtful gifts for each member of my family and friends alike. There’s a joy that shines within during this precious month, not only because of the things I mentioned above, but because of the true reason for the season. Jesus.

For Christians, Christmas should be a celebration of life and purpose — far more precious than the latest fashion fad or toy wrapped perfectly under the Christmas tree. For me, I see a vision of a baby Jesus; a life so meaningful, born into the world with the purpose to save all who accept His call (Romans 6:23).

(Click here to continue reading this entry, featured on the Jesus Drives Me blog.)

Anyone else notice the lack of awareness around here? You don’t have to be a youth group leader to see the lack of awareness our youth in America have on world oppression, child abandonment, hunger, homelessness and so on. And let’s not kid ourselves, this isn’t just a youth thing either. There are plenty of adults who are lacking in the awareness arena too.

I literally get a knot in my stomach when I think about that things we take for granted. Have you ever been in a store and overheard a child or teenager whine to their parents because they wouldn’t buy them the toy they wanted or the shoes that were “cool”? I certainly have (and I’ve certainly been there!) Have you ever agonized over which brand of stereo system, DVD player, or TV you should buy?

It’s sad to know that… (Click here to read the rest of this article featured on the Jesus Drives Me blog).

“O mothers of young children, I bow before you in reverence. Your work is most holy. You are fashioning the destinies of immortal souls. The powers folded up in the little ones that you hushed to sleep in your bosoms last night are powers that shall exist forever. You are preparing them for their immortal destiny and influence…” Home-Making, J.R. Miller, pg. 106

The other day I was thinking about some of the meanings behind our names and I was reminded of what Caden’s name means and the main reason we had chosen it for him. Caden essentially means “Spirit of Battle”. Quite fitting for a boy and it equally sums up what I believe is going on every day. Spiritual warfare is all around us and when we were searching for his name I wanted it to reflect something Godly but untraditionally. I truly felt that our son’s name needed to be a constant reminder of what we are on this earth fighting for. We can get so caught up in the little things, so discouraged by life’s circumstances that we forget to keep strong in the Lord and to proclaim what He has done and IS doing for us.

This actually reminds me of a post my cousin did about boys and their natural born instinct to be warriors and its connection to God. You can read the post here: http://growntoglory.wordpress.com/2009/01/23/warrior-son/

I agree whole-heartedly with everything she said. Even at the young age of 2, Caden already shows a willingness to be a warrior – not in a bad sense of course – but you can see it in his eyes when he’s determined to fight through all of life’s obstacles. There is something so cool and refreshing about the fact that God has molded little boys (who will one day be men) to have such a protective and courageous nature. Now our challenge as parents is to help encourage that nature and show them how and when to use it appropriately.

I pray that when Caden is older he too will think about the meaning behind his name and be reminded of the unseen battle God is fighting on our behalf and hopefully on that day Caden will make a choice to join it!

Eric and I had planned to take advantage of our Saturday and sleep in until 10:00 AM. Needless to say, it didn’t happen. On this particular day Caden decided he wanted to get up at 8. I decided to sneak out and take care of him while Eric caught a few more ZZzzZZz’s.

After I finished getting Caden ready, I noticed how dirty his nails were. I said to myself “why are little boys nails always so dirty?”. I have to clean his nails at least once a day, if not more. While cleaning and cutting away, I started thinking about how adventurous he is and how he explores every nook and cranny. His little hands are hard at work and play each and every single day. I began to realize that even though it’s “dirt” in a way it is a small testimony of who he is.

Immediately, I started wondering about what kind of things would be found under my fingernails. Would the labors of my hands, or even better yet the depths of my heart, show through? If you looked, would you see the mountains I’ve climbed, the holes I’ve dug, or even the waters I’ve treaded? In reality, maybe not, but figuratively I would hope you’d see a reflection of my true self. My true self would look something like this:

- A woman who is self cautious about her outside looks.
- A mother who is STILL trying to figure it all out. All the books in the world aren’t helping me!
- A wife who has let her husband down, time and time again but is still working through it.
- A sinner who is undeniably unworthy of God’s renewing compassion and eternal gift of life.
- A person who loves to sing, even if the voice doesn’t match the hearts desire!
- A person who would rather look on people hearts, rather than their actions or words.
- Someone who has been pushed.
- Someone who has done the pushing.
- A person who has trouble trusting people, and a harder time replenishing that trust when its been broken.
- Someone who has had their heart broken…and then repaired.
- A person who needs forgiveness every single day…
- Someone who has given forgiveness…

If I allowed it, if I were humble, honest, and open…you’d see all those things. Maybe not under my fingernails but certainly through my faith, actions, reactions, and works. We are not perfect, but we are blemish free to God and though I may have done things to be shameful of, God has restored my soul each day. Had I not been through the storms, I wouldn’t be able to be a “shelter” for those going through those same storms now.

So with that said, what would you find under your fingernails?